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I always believe that time can really change everything. No matter what, we can't be sure that one thing will always stay where it was before.
I can't really explain this but this is true. I don't know when does it start but I do feel the change. I am starting to notice. I am starting to care. I am wondering.
I've been waiting long. Waiting long enough to heard my inner voice.
However, I still haven't received the message.
I am kinda lost and confused. I don't know whether I should give it a try or not.
I am scared. What if the whole thing just doesn't work? What if I screwed up everything? What if I hurt anyone?
After everything we've been through, I felt the sincerity. This is the thing that make me touched. No one has done that to me before. Maybe there was but it's just a different thing.
What will happen if I nod? What will happen if I don't?
I know that I am hurting someone already. I've been thinking for the whole year. I am just so undecisive. Maybe it's not worth worrying as it may be the past for someone.
I was wondering. Is it too late to start realising now?
I know it's too late right now. It's bullshit to start talking all these nonsenses right now.
All this while. No. All these years, I am inexperience. Inexperience in encounting all these. There's no one to tell me what to do. Even myself.
Sometimes I am just being selfish.
I know I shouldn't block your way. You have your own life and I have mine.
It has been countless night, I ended up tearing under my blanket till I fell asleep.
I have no guts to tell anyone. Or rather I don't know how to start telling people.
It's not that I don't trust them, it's just that I don't know how to tell.
What I know how to do is crying. Useless. I just don't have the courage to face my problems.
Sometimes it just feel so good to know that someone care for you. And I am the poor thing who do not know how to appreciate it. No matter what, thanks for everything and you know who you are. If I make you feel bad or anything, I apologize. Please don't be. Because I am the one who should be taking all this.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am not getting any sympathy here. I want to be strong. I just don't want to suppress my feelings anymore. I just want to tell everything and let everyone know about how I feel. Then jugde me. Any wise words are welcome. Be it privately or publicly. Just tell me. I want to know.
I am just flushing everything that I've kept for a long time. I felt so much better.
I know that I am being quite emo lately. I just couldn't help it.
But I promise, no matter what happen, I will keep smiling because this is the only way to make me believe that I am ok.
By the way, two more papers till freedom. ^^ No worries.
Am I being too extreme? I hope not. I guessed everyone will have a better view of me after reading this post. I am a girl with a lot of worries.
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1 comment:
By the time i read your words here, i feel i didn't guess wrong lastnite and what i have talkin to you should be right, hor?
Truly, i feel we are so similar in some way right now, haha..
You know, being smile always in front of people doesn't mean that we are fine, yet it might just a mask which we used to protect ourselves.
Forgive me for using the word of "We". This makes me feel comfortable to talkin about what i going to say right now.
There are always people or friends around us who care about us, but slowly i realize, i'm not pretending to be okay just because i believe i can be okay. It just that im trying to push myself to be more tough as i wish.
However when things come to worst, when we are so emo, we realize we are lonely till seems like no one could really understand us, why?
Not because of they dint care about us, but its we have hidden our heart all this time, all just because we scare to let them enter and walk through our tears.
Afraid to hurt by someone? Scare that what we think would make others misunderstand us? Or more simple way to explain, we just never try to find a true answer for ourselves when come to a question, because we have lost.. Lost in the middle of the junction, not lost of direction but lost of the courage and faith in heart, this is what I'm having right now..
When there is a friend askin me that how many true friends i got in Utar, i couldn't answer him as passionate as i can in the past during i living in chs. Swei, I'm a person who wearing this mask since I'm a kid, but i hope that, you can walk out from your room, trying to look at the world, it should be nicer than your expected. Be passionate and gain the courage u needed, I will be the 1st one who willin to support you with all i have right here, not just words, but action. You can sms me, msn me, or even call me when u facing smtg u truly nid sm1 to talk with. I can't say that my words is 100% useful for you, but just to let you know that you are not alone, you can cry over my shoulder as your good friend but not alone under the cold blanket. You won't having the same problem during this whole year which you said:" no one tell me what to do, i have no experience and im lost" because.. I'm with you.. seriously, i mean it, swei, im with you right here.
Can you really give me a trust? ^^ a trust which not just a words that you can write in your post, a trust which not just you can say to others when u couldn't walk out from your room in heart.
But its a trust, which use your action to show yourself to the sunshine.
haha.. dunno why i feel that im so.. seems talkin too much here. ^^ forgive me kay?
Look back to your post, looking at what you have wrote, how many sentence there is true, and how many sentence there have hidden your true wishes, its time to understand your own heart.
Never blame yourself for being selfish or what, because no matter what, you are always the swei i know, the swei in my heart.
Understand your heart, believe it, and you will found what you should do, slowly, give yourself sometime, never afraid, because im here with you all the way..
I'm lonely, I'm lost..
But I hope that you are not like me.
You know, i truly feel that, your smile would be nicer and more delighted than right now, if you could let others feel your tears once. Just once and everything would be come to you. Love to your heart.
A simple care from me, wenyau
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